Currently, I feel like I am struggling. Not massively, nothing that’s stopping me attending social events or going to work. I know there’s somethings wrong but I cant put my finger on it.
Trace Back: I first got diagnosed with depression in December. I was given citalopram and the first ten days of taking these tablets I felt pretty shitty. probably worse than when I had depression, oh the irony. After the first ten days I started to feel better, more myself. But it didn’t feel real, I just felt a dull happiness almost numb.
Anyway, I still took these tablets for around a month, I was doing okay. Then when I moved out of my student house back to live with my mum I misplaced my tablets and I just stopped taken them as I was useless at remembering to take them anyway. Its been 3 months since I’ve taken any tablets and I am feeling happy, genuinely do not feel like I’ve got depression anymore.
The feelings of hopelessness, darkness and sadness have gone. It seems they have been replaced by high anxiety and mood swings, where all of a sudden I’m angry and beyond frustration. I literally don’t know how it happens. It’s little things and all sort of things that set my mood swings off. I have never suffered from anxiety before, I have never had fear. I have always been the one to be like yeaah lets go! lets find out! Not be the one to feel restricted within my own psych, its scary to feel like I can’t reach out and explore new things and new experiences. I have never been super hormonal or anything so I cannot explain these mood swings, sometimes they get so bad that I want to lash out and punch something. I don’t know how to deal with them, when to expect them and no idea what to do next.
My other fear is that when I go to my doctors appointment today, they may turn round to me and say that there is nothing they can do to help. Or to put me on antidepressants again. I am worried that this will stop me going to my job as the 10 day period of not being able to get out of bed I cannot afford to do that. So yeah guess I’m pretty anxious about this appointment haha.
Just thought I’d share this with you all. Not sure why, I’ve never kept a diary before, and I guess because I am worried about what’s going to happen I thought writing out my thoughts may better help me understand them and clear my mind and stop it from whuuuuring round all the time with endless possibilities. I’ll keep you posted to what happens, the next post could be positively written; yay I have help, or negatively written; adult language may be used.