Control

Finally, for the first time in my life I feel in control. I feel that I have shit organised, things are going my way. This may not seem a big deal to many, but for me this is huge. I have struggled with mental health issues in my life and low self-esteem and confidence, to the point I couldn’t think of a single positive thing in my life or about myself.

I am now in my masters degree, which is challenging but I am working hard and it is paying off. I have made a great deal of new friends who are supportive of me and instead of bringing me down are pushing me forward, out of my comfort zone and telling me it is okay to be myself.

I feel organised, I feel I have a plan. I know where I’ve been and I know where I am heading. Cliche, I know, but it fits. So to all those who ever doubted me, thought I wouldn’t be okay, thought I would struggle with mental health again, who thought I wouldn’t even complete my graduate degree.

FUCK YOU. 

The last time I was this happy and confident was probably when I was 16, don’t get me wrong I have the odd low self-esteem moment about my body shape, but then I have a cider and food and I forget about it. Because I know if it really bothered me I can change it as I am in CONTROL.  There are things in my life that are out of my control, and I am okay with that. Shit happens, brush it off and move on to bigger and better things.

I am done with being bitter, holding grudges, blaming others for the way I am and how I view myself. I am making myself better, independent and embracing life. I will not let anyone bring me down again, I have so much going for me, my future is full of potential and happiness and I am not about to let that slip through my fingers for anyone.

I feel myself and I couldn’t love myself anymore.  I don’t have a big ego, I am not arrogant, there is no shame in being confident in your own skin and actually appreciating who you are, your personality and your dress sense. People can bitch and say shit but I am above it. I am holding my head up high, the highest it has been for 7 years, now that is an accomplishment.

So big love to all those who have helped me get to this stage in my life and to those who weren’t I thank you, because without you I probably wouldn’t be feeling the way I do now.

What Is Love?

What Is Love?I have been told by a few that they love me, but what does it really mean? People have told me they love me, and I question why? They tell me they love me and I question whether they have truly shown it.  At then end of it all I am the one that is hurt, aching, finding it hard to love again. When I do love back I end up being hurt even more. So I lock my emotions down, build up defences, don’t open up. What is love? What does it mean to be truly loved? I am unconditionally loved by my family, to me that is true love, pure and never ending.  But for another human being to love me for who I am, who I am at this time in my life, all my flaw and imperfections. What is love? Is it not selfish thing, to hold over someone, to say you have stronger feelings therefore you are in the wrong. Is it just simple sweet love? I would love to encounter a sweet simple love without flaws. I admire those who have it, it is a very special thing. But I question whether it truly exists? I have loved before. I wonder if I will be able to love again, as it goes on too many people get hurt. Love is dangerous, it cannot be prevented and it should not be stopped. but is all the pain really worth it? Love is not handed out like candy, it is not something easily shared. But when someone tells me they love me, I overthink, I question their motives. WHY ME? What makes me so special to feel like that? Even if I do accept it, then I expect too much.  Well if you did love me you would do this and that.  Maybe I am flawed due to insecurity, to think it is so crazy for someone to appreciate me for who I really am. But then again that is me, I would find it hard to love me.  Is love something that consumes you? Is love an instinctive feeling? I find it hard to feel any emotion sometimes because I shut down only to avoid being hurt.  I share my struggle so noone feels alone in this.

I Am A Shadow

I am here, confidence, strength, proud.

But wait, who is this? oh

its gone. what ever happened? Taken within seconds.

without realisation, without defences… why

You trusted him its your fault

You choose to do this to yourself, it is not his fault

He said he loved you.

He said it is because you weren’t like her

But you love him, make it right

You aren’t her

You aren’t good enough

Keep trying

He may change his mind when he see your efforts

Wait now your shoes and bank card are gone

You can’t go to sixth form without shoes or money

Where could I have placed it?

He didn’t take it. he said so himself.

He wouldn’t lie. He LOVES you.

Stupid fat girl forgetting things.

Don’t eat today you’re better than that.

He will love you more.

3 stone down.

Where is the difference?

CHEAT

FUCK U

‘Who else is going to love you, look at you?’

He is right.

Look at you.

Gross.

You will never know love again without him.

I am doing this for me, not him

KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT

I’m good I know what domestic violence is…

This is not it.

I am in control.

Just need to show him that I am trying

He will stop this

He says he is sorry all the time

I believe him

He wouldn’t hurt me on purpose

He loves me….