Twenty-Something & Single

I have always been in relationships, out of one and into another. But now I am ‘twenty-something’ I haven’t really experienced being on my own. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I am going to turn away from people and turn down a relationship opportunity, it means I’m not going to put my efforts into searching for one. I haven’t really had chance to enjoy my own company without my phone going off or waiting for the next time I am going to see my other half.

I have tried my hand at dating apps such as tinder and it is almost based on appearances alone, no one really seems to want a deeper connection, they are looking for a spark to fly out of nowhere and go from there. It’s as if it is an ego boost in its purest form, who finds who most attractive. What ever happened to the days before these apps did all the hard work for us? The days where you’d have to take a risk and approach someone, ask them out. To me they seem pretty non-existent.

I have no problem approaching people and striking up a conversation and see where it goes, I would rather do that and be rejected, than someone rejecting me who doesn’t like the way I present my self in photos through a phone screen. So I am putting the dating apps away and focusing on myself as a single twenty-three year old doing her masters.

At first, I did struggle. I was not used to this concept of not talking to someone or planning dates. It hit me that I don’t really know what I enjoy doing, to relax and unwind. I usually always do what the other person wants. I felt like I had a lot of control back, to make my own decisions without having to be concerned about anyone else, without any time constraints.

I have explored a lot of my own emotions and thoughts and have a deeper understanding about myself and what I want from life. I feel stronger, more confident and independent. I feel I can reassure myself and boost my own confidence without relying on someone to do it for me. I have a new found focus.

I have managed to read lots of books, meditate, do a little yoga and sit on my ass and eat a whole ben & jerry’s tub without feeling ashamed. There has been some days where I feel lost and unsure, but those days are eye opening, they make me push harder to find myself and my purpose. To push to find the reasons I feel lost and try to occupy my mind.

I used to be afraid to enter coffee shops or bars on my own, I am not anymore. I sit there, order a drink and read my book. I really enjoy it and I don’t give a second thought to the onlookers and what they are thinking of me. I am open to a new relationship and the rest of my life to begin, there is so much pressure for twenty somethings to be in a relationship, to be settling down, to have kids. I think we forget sometimes how good it is just to be on your own, it is an empowering time that people should embrace, life begins when you say it does regardless of relationship status. I have found a passion and drive in myself that I have never felt before. I think many of my previous relationships have failed because I didn’t truly love myself. Now that has changed and I am forever grateful for it.

I have learnt to love myself again, I have gained my confidence back and I am happy.

Now, I am going to crack open a bottle of wine and enjoy some music and turn my phone off. Because I can. Because I am twenty something and single.

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Winter Blues

I haven’t written a blog in a while and for this there are several reasons. The first, I needed time to reflect on myself without having to write it and share it with everyone, the second was, I have no motivation, concentration or capacity to think straight to write it all down. This seems to occur over the winter months when my depression gets worse and I make rash decisions and actions.

This hasn’t helped with losing a close friend at this time of year as well as a few people putting me down so they can feel better about their decisions and actions.

This time of year is hard not just for me, but everyone. When the nights are longer and the days are shorter, its cold and many feel isolated and alone. I write this so people who are struggling with depression, SAD (seasonal affective disorder), mental health issues or just feeling down, that you are not alone, and you have not lost the battle.

I feel that I have done so well winning my battle over the last year and during this season I feel like I am losing, that maybe I am not as strong as I first thought. I find it difficult to share these feelings and feel like I should have to struggle on my own as others are going through similar things and don’t need an extra burden added on to them. Which I know is stupid, because I really could use the support of my friends right about now.

I am making a choice to share my feelings, making a choice to think positively. Someone said to me once that we have a choice over whether we deal with something in a negative manner or a positive one, that we have a choice in handling it, a choice over our emotions. This has really stuck with me and I have been trying my hardest to stay positive, deal with things positively, stop having negative thoughts. It has helped, think I wouldn’t have done so well over these past few months without that advice.

I am still struggling and this puts me in awkward situations that I find difficult to get out of and I need to be selfish. I need to put myself first and take control of my life and the events that occur in it. It is time for change, positive change, that will help me feel more fulfilled and motivated.

 

 

NOTE: if you feel you need someone to talk to, check out my website, link is in my bio. There are various agencies out there to help people through difficult times. I have also posted the Samaritans number below.

116 123

this number is FREE to call