Help Wanted: Fitness

Last year I was going to the gym a lot, at least 3-4 times a week as well as eating clean. I felt very comfortable to wear crop tops as my stomach was flat, I felt quiet confident in  my own skin. But I went through a struggle with mental health and I lost all motivation and energy to work out. I tried to go back to the gym at the start of this year, but I soon gave up on that.

I gave up on the gym as I had lost muscle tone and gained weight, I feel unconfident and uncomfortable being within a gym where people were toned and sculpted and there I was wobbling all over the place on the treadmill, my bingo wings flapping as I ran. No thanks. I know that those in the gym probably would not have looked at me twice or even judged me. I felt they were, I felt so silly being in there. I used to spend like 15 minutes in the gym and then I would leave.

It is very hard work to towards losing weight and gaining muscle tone. It takes a lot of motivation and discipline, which at the moment I lack very much of. I want to, I have this image in my head of where I want my body to get to, but I am so unfit at the moment I just feel embarrassed being in the gym, not being able to stay on the treadmill for more than 7 minutes without dying, sweating and wanting to vomit. I feel embarrassed lifting some tiny weight up and struggling after 8 reps whilst these other girls and guys are lifting three times the weight with ease.

I just really don’t have the confidence to stride back into a gym, hopefully I can get stronger and fitter whilst at university doing my masters by working out at home until I feel comfortable to throw myself into the deep end once again. I know that many think this is a silly fear, I most people I have met through the gym are really nice people who only want to help. I suppose I am competitive and a bit of a sore loser, I want to achieve my goal and compete with people in the gym but at the same time I don’t want to put in the effort. If I can’t put in the effort I don’t really deserve the results.

I need motivation, I need confidence in my ability, I need help. If anyone has tips for motivation especially fitness wise I would love to hear it. Or if anyone would like to pair up, take before photos and set a deadline and see who can achieve the desired results? That would be quiet cool, different people, all across the world, different body shapes, cultures and diet. If anybody wants to jump on this idea then please please please drop me an email: madfreckles1@gmail.com or give me a follow on Instagram katyjanee__ and we can go from there. AMAZING. I think this would help us motivate one another and inspire others to find their confidence.

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Ghostbusters – Girl Power!

I have recently watched the new Ghostbusters. Before the film came out, the film was greeted with a variety of negative reviews and sexist postulations about the film, all because it was an all female led cast.

I think this has broken many stigmas and I thought the actresses did a magnificent job! The women portray different personalities and different body shapes, not one of the lead female roles were extremely skinny or bare skin. Probably the first film I have watched where I women wasn’t showing off her cleavage or her figure.

I feel that this film encourages women to feel confident and strong. Yes, some of the characters are portrayed with stereotypical female behaviour, such as ‘oh women, they are always late’. But I also feels that it does this in a tasteless way that aims more towards comedy than sexism.

It shows four highly intelligent and motivated females. It is clear that the field of science and maths is largely a male dominated area and the government has been seen to encourage women towards this sector. I feel this films shows women can be intelligent as well as sexy, strong and fun. It breaks many stereotypes around women and career’s, yes I understand it is fictional, but it can have a strong influence on the younger generation.

This film, for me anyway, has pushed the barriers and shown that an all female led cast can create a successful film as well as sending a strong message to society. I would definitely recommend, it was witty and funny from start to finish.

Dreams are Stupid

I don’t think anyone has asked me ‘what is your dream?’

I’ve been asked what my dream job would be, what my dream house would look like but never what is your dream. I think the word ‘dream’ seems childlike and unbelievable, something that will not be achieved, forever a dream, unrealistic and hopeless.

I am asking myself today, what is my ambition, what drives me, my passion, my dream.

Everyone has their own dream, own idea of what they would like to do at some point in their lives. Would we openly admit it? Be openly honest about our dreams. They are very personal.

What happens if you share you dreams and you never achieve them, people look at you and know you didn’t reach your dream. Why risk that? Keep it to yourself and then no one can judge you.

Well I am going to be honest, and I will strive for this dream and do what I can to achieve it and make it a reality.

My dream is to open my own psychology clinic and specialise in young people, help them to build confidence and self-esteem. I want to specialise in male mental health and eating disorders.

I want to be able to provide free psychological care in supported living houses for young people. Help them to understand themselves.

These are specific dreams I have. But the overall view is, I want to make a difference, even if I can make a difference to one person or a thousand, I will have achieved something very special to me.

I would like to ask everyone who reads this to ask themselves what their dream is, what is important to them?

To help me achieve my dream, I ask you to do one thing. I would like you to just ask someone if they are okay or even just smile at a stranger. You have no idea the difference this can make to someones day.

Surviving Adulthood

Everyone has their own way of dealing with the responsibilities and pressures of adulthood. I have coffee and binge drinking. Others have erratic displays of immature behaviour (hate to admit it, but also me).

I think everyone needs that one little thing that reminds them they are still sane, still themselves, and still a fun child at heart. A way to escape from adulthood even if it is just for a second.

The journey through adulthood is hard, tough and unforgiving and most of the time we are going to get it wrong. When we do, we need these little treasures to fall back on, almost little comforts, to allow us to keep pushing forward, keep trying. The key is to love others, by treating others with kindness it can make us feel good, can even make a huge difference even if it feel small and insignificant.Sounds selfish right? But this can help us to learn to love ourselves.

There are a lot of pressures to experience, making sure you are budgeting, not drinking, looking for jobs, being mature, staying healthy, only making good decisions. Bit boring if you ask me, who would want to do all that?

You are allowed to break some rules, this doesn’t mean you are failing at being an adult, just taking some time to adjust!

Looking at your parents when we were younger, giving the impression they had their shit together, well i hate to break it to you but they lied. I don’t think I know of many adults who really truly think ‘I’ve got my shit together’, but hey there are so many adults in the world without their shit together, does it really matter?

Nope, I know I could be doing a much better job at being an adult, but I know one thing, if I am going to do this I am going to have fun whilst doing it. At the end of the day you cannot plan for all the unexpected things that can occur when you’re an adult, you have your shit together and then you get hit by a plane.

So if I am going to get fucked by life, I would rather have fun doing it whilst trying to get my shit together and try to make a difference to other peoples lives and make others smile.

 

Twenty-Something & Single

I have always been in relationships, out of one and into another. But now I am ‘twenty-something’ I haven’t really experienced being on my own. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I am going to turn away from people and turn down a relationship opportunity, it means I’m not going to put my efforts into searching for one. I haven’t really had chance to enjoy my own company without my phone going off or waiting for the next time I am going to see my other half.

I have tried my hand at dating apps such as tinder and it is almost based on appearances alone, no one really seems to want a deeper connection, they are looking for a spark to fly out of nowhere and go from there. It’s as if it is an ego boost in its purest form, who finds who most attractive. What ever happened to the days before these apps did all the hard work for us? The days where you’d have to take a risk and approach someone, ask them out. To me they seem pretty non-existent.

I have no problem approaching people and striking up a conversation and see where it goes, I would rather do that and be rejected, than someone rejecting me who doesn’t like the way I present my self in photos through a phone screen. So I am putting the dating apps away and focusing on myself as a single twenty-three year old doing her masters.

At first, I did struggle. I was not used to this concept of not talking to someone or planning dates. It hit me that I don’t really know what I enjoy doing, to relax and unwind. I usually always do what the other person wants. I felt like I had a lot of control back, to make my own decisions without having to be concerned about anyone else, without any time constraints.

I have explored a lot of my own emotions and thoughts and have a deeper understanding about myself and what I want from life. I feel stronger, more confident and independent. I feel I can reassure myself and boost my own confidence without relying on someone to do it for me. I have a new found focus.

I have managed to read lots of books, meditate, do a little yoga and sit on my ass and eat a whole ben & jerry’s tub without feeling ashamed. There has been some days where I feel lost and unsure, but those days are eye opening, they make me push harder to find myself and my purpose. To push to find the reasons I feel lost and try to occupy my mind.

I used to be afraid to enter coffee shops or bars on my own, I am not anymore. I sit there, order a drink and read my book. I really enjoy it and I don’t give a second thought to the onlookers and what they are thinking of me. I am open to a new relationship and the rest of my life to begin, there is so much pressure for twenty somethings to be in a relationship, to be settling down, to have kids. I think we forget sometimes how good it is just to be on your own, it is an empowering time that people should embrace, life begins when you say it does regardless of relationship status. I have found a passion and drive in myself that I have never felt before. I think many of my previous relationships have failed because I didn’t truly love myself. Now that has changed and I am forever grateful for it.

I have learnt to love myself again, I have gained my confidence back and I am happy.

Now, I am going to crack open a bottle of wine and enjoy some music and turn my phone off. Because I can. Because I am twenty something and single.

Winter Blues

I haven’t written a blog in a while and for this there are several reasons. The first, I needed time to reflect on myself without having to write it and share it with everyone, the second was, I have no motivation, concentration or capacity to think straight to write it all down. This seems to occur over the winter months when my depression gets worse and I make rash decisions and actions.

This hasn’t helped with losing a close friend at this time of year as well as a few people putting me down so they can feel better about their decisions and actions.

This time of year is hard not just for me, but everyone. When the nights are longer and the days are shorter, its cold and many feel isolated and alone. I write this so people who are struggling with depression, SAD (seasonal affective disorder), mental health issues or just feeling down, that you are not alone, and you have not lost the battle.

I feel that I have done so well winning my battle over the last year and during this season I feel like I am losing, that maybe I am not as strong as I first thought. I find it difficult to share these feelings and feel like I should have to struggle on my own as others are going through similar things and don’t need an extra burden added on to them. Which I know is stupid, because I really could use the support of my friends right about now.

I am making a choice to share my feelings, making a choice to think positively. Someone said to me once that we have a choice over whether we deal with something in a negative manner or a positive one, that we have a choice in handling it, a choice over our emotions. This has really stuck with me and I have been trying my hardest to stay positive, deal with things positively, stop having negative thoughts. It has helped, think I wouldn’t have done so well over these past few months without that advice.

I am still struggling and this puts me in awkward situations that I find difficult to get out of and I need to be selfish. I need to put myself first and take control of my life and the events that occur in it. It is time for change, positive change, that will help me feel more fulfilled and motivated.

 

 

NOTE: if you feel you need someone to talk to, check out my website, link is in my bio. There are various agencies out there to help people through difficult times. I have also posted the Samaritans number below.

116 123

this number is FREE to call

Control

Finally, for the first time in my life I feel in control. I feel that I have shit organised, things are going my way. This may not seem a big deal to many, but for me this is huge. I have struggled with mental health issues in my life and low self-esteem and confidence, to the point I couldn’t think of a single positive thing in my life or about myself.

I am now in my masters degree, which is challenging but I am working hard and it is paying off. I have made a great deal of new friends who are supportive of me and instead of bringing me down are pushing me forward, out of my comfort zone and telling me it is okay to be myself.

I feel organised, I feel I have a plan. I know where I’ve been and I know where I am heading. Cliche, I know, but it fits. So to all those who ever doubted me, thought I wouldn’t be okay, thought I would struggle with mental health again, who thought I wouldn’t even complete my graduate degree.

FUCK YOU. 

The last time I was this happy and confident was probably when I was 16, don’t get me wrong I have the odd low self-esteem moment about my body shape, but then I have a cider and food and I forget about it. Because I know if it really bothered me I can change it as I am in CONTROL.  There are things in my life that are out of my control, and I am okay with that. Shit happens, brush it off and move on to bigger and better things.

I am done with being bitter, holding grudges, blaming others for the way I am and how I view myself. I am making myself better, independent and embracing life. I will not let anyone bring me down again, I have so much going for me, my future is full of potential and happiness and I am not about to let that slip through my fingers for anyone.

I feel myself and I couldn’t love myself anymore.  I don’t have a big ego, I am not arrogant, there is no shame in being confident in your own skin and actually appreciating who you are, your personality and your dress sense. People can bitch and say shit but I am above it. I am holding my head up high, the highest it has been for 7 years, now that is an accomplishment.

So big love to all those who have helped me get to this stage in my life and to those who weren’t I thank you, because without you I probably wouldn’t be feeling the way I do now.

What Is Love?

What Is Love?I have been told by a few that they love me, but what does it really mean? People have told me they love me, and I question why? They tell me they love me and I question whether they have truly shown it.  At then end of it all I am the one that is hurt, aching, finding it hard to love again. When I do love back I end up being hurt even more. So I lock my emotions down, build up defences, don’t open up. What is love? What does it mean to be truly loved? I am unconditionally loved by my family, to me that is true love, pure and never ending.  But for another human being to love me for who I am, who I am at this time in my life, all my flaw and imperfections. What is love? Is it not selfish thing, to hold over someone, to say you have stronger feelings therefore you are in the wrong. Is it just simple sweet love? I would love to encounter a sweet simple love without flaws. I admire those who have it, it is a very special thing. But I question whether it truly exists? I have loved before. I wonder if I will be able to love again, as it goes on too many people get hurt. Love is dangerous, it cannot be prevented and it should not be stopped. but is all the pain really worth it? Love is not handed out like candy, it is not something easily shared. But when someone tells me they love me, I overthink, I question their motives. WHY ME? What makes me so special to feel like that? Even if I do accept it, then I expect too much.  Well if you did love me you would do this and that.  Maybe I am flawed due to insecurity, to think it is so crazy for someone to appreciate me for who I really am. But then again that is me, I would find it hard to love me.  Is love something that consumes you? Is love an instinctive feeling? I find it hard to feel any emotion sometimes because I shut down only to avoid being hurt.  I share my struggle so noone feels alone in this.

I Am A Shadow

I am here, confidence, strength, proud.

But wait, who is this? oh

its gone. what ever happened? Taken within seconds.

without realisation, without defences… why

You trusted him its your fault

You choose to do this to yourself, it is not his fault

He said he loved you.

He said it is because you weren’t like her

But you love him, make it right

You aren’t her

You aren’t good enough

Keep trying

He may change his mind when he see your efforts

Wait now your shoes and bank card are gone

You can’t go to sixth form without shoes or money

Where could I have placed it?

He didn’t take it. he said so himself.

He wouldn’t lie. He LOVES you.

Stupid fat girl forgetting things.

Don’t eat today you’re better than that.

He will love you more.

3 stone down.

Where is the difference?

CHEAT

FUCK U

‘Who else is going to love you, look at you?’

He is right.

Look at you.

Gross.

You will never know love again without him.

I am doing this for me, not him

KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT

I’m good I know what domestic violence is…

This is not it.

I am in control.

Just need to show him that I am trying

He will stop this

He says he is sorry all the time

I believe him

He wouldn’t hurt me on purpose

He loves me….

Am I Really Ready For A Masters Degree?

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions with the build up towards my masters degree. I am so anxious that I am not ready, not clever enough, not organised enough for a masters. I mean it is a MASTERS after all. It is difficult for me to find a job after my undergraduate degree, I dislike doing work that doesn’t feed into my goal career, so doing a masters now so that I am more qualified for a job I want.

I only have one shot at this whole masters thing, one loan from the government, if i crash and land straight on my face and fail this whole thing, it will take me years to save up all the money to try again. I just hope to god that I can do it. I feel that I can, but I am so panic stricken that I am fearful that I can’t. I have my books ready, I have accommodation, I have funding, I have all the necessities ready, but am I myself truly ready?

I have just received some placement and dissertation projects from the university through the post, after looking through it I am so excited to start! I cannot wait, I am trying to motivate myself to do some extra reading around the subject etc and I will. I tomorrow. Well, we all know tomorrow never comes.

I have done reading about motivation and how to not get stressed, research suggests, grouping your list into chunks and minimising it into chunks of 5 +-2. So maximum amount is 7 minimum amount is 3. I can deal with that. So I minimised everything down into chunks and focused on the purpose of why I am doing it. Apparently if you focus on the purpose rather than the activity itself, you are more likely to succeed and feel better about actually doing it because you are aware of the purpose.

So, what is the purpose? Well, to succeed obviously, to do well, to learn and be happy and get a good job. How can I achieve this? By doing some simple reading, a chapter a day. I am pretty sure I can handle that.

Anxiety can take over and be a bit of a bitch to handle, it can consume you to the point of paralysis. I can beat it and I will beat it. I will succeed at my masters and I will be happy and organised when doing it. I mean it cannot be impossible. So wish me luck, I am sure I will be posting about my stressful days with you!